Thursday, February 18, 2010

Laying it all out...

I have never done a post on why we adopt, or what our particular circumstances are.  This has been for a few reasons but mainly because we do not have any known IF issues.  I know that most who come to adoption; and perhaps to my blog; have experienced this and I don't want it to ever seem that I am somehow rubbing our possible fertility in someone's face.

Many times I will get comments or questions that directly relate to this and most often it is assumed that we adopt due to infertility.  Well, no, we don't.  But that does not mean that our reasons are more valid or the path that brought someone to adoption is any better or worse. 

We have chosen to adopt because we saw a need.  Not a need for families wanting that blonde-haired, blue-eyed child that resembles their Grandpa Bob or one of the parents, or has no issues... nope, not them.  There generally is a belief that in Domestic Adoption there is not a need as great as that of "real orphans" in other countries or waiting in foster care.  Well, those ARE great needs and I in no way belittle that.  But there are ALSO great needs here. 

Do you know that a mom who is looking to place a child that is black usually has a fraction of the amount of profiles to view than a caucasian mom would?  A recent note from a friend at an adoption agency told me that they have an African American mom right now who is going to look at profiles and she has only TWO for her to view.  Two?  Hello?  If that doesn't bother you and make you want to scream than maybe we can't be friends. ;) 

When we met with our social worker from our first adoption she point blank told us "If you want to adopt a white child, just get in the line.  It goes all the way around the corner and you will be waiting a while."  What makes a white child so much more valuable and desirable than a black one?  What makes a "healthy" child more desirable than one born drug addicted or with a cleft palate? 

We believe strongly that the Lord has asked us to stand in the gap for these children.  Those by society deemed to be "less desirable."  I don't think it matters if I popped out ten babies of my own, I would still meet this need.  I would still do this.  I would still offer these women a choice.  Because we all expect them to not abort and carry their children, but then offer them no alternatives at the end.  And the first and best alternative is always for them to have the resoureces to parent.  But if they choose not to, then we will be there.

The jury is still out on whether I will ever actually birth a child.  I just have never had that strong of a desire to do so.  I know this is odd, but I just don't care that much.  I think I might like the experience but I never dreamed of it nor did my husband.  We never talked about how great it would be to have off-spring who resembled us... it just didn't matter.  And right now my focus is on my son.  And he is black.  So me having a white baby is probably not going to help him in his adjustment as the black child of white parents.  Therefore I put my needs and desires aside for him.  Because his needs are much more important than any of mine.

Now you know a little bit more about me and hopefully I have not scared too many of you away.  Sorry, I just don't have one of those warm fuzzy adoption blogs... ;)


Leah said...

It was so interesting to read how you came to adoption. The assumptions people make about why people adopt always bug me.

It's so sad about the African American woman only having two profiles to view. When my hubby and I were considering domestic adoption, we purposely asked for a non-caucasian child. I think it's so wonderful that you're seeing the need out in the world.

mom2many said...

It is the same in DHS...a caucasion child is not deemed "unadoptable" until they are eight years old. An African American child is deemed "unadoptable" at age three! And if you happen to be chocolate AND a boy, well, prepare to live in the shelter for a good while. We opt for the chocolate babies nobody wants. Although we do have biological children, adoption was always my first choice for many of the same reasons you site. Thanks for this post!

Melba said...

ummmm, news flash! I like reading you because you don't just have another warm fuzzy adoption blog! :)

It's great to "hear" a bit more of your story and why you feel the way you do about adoption. This is a great post that brings up some good topics.

I know the statics are similar with our agency. All throughout our wait we were either the ONLY couple, or one of two who were willing to accept an African American baby. It's gotten marginally better since then, and there is a positive trend toward more families being more open to trans-racial adoption but still...really makes you think!

Great post...


Our Growing Family said...

You GET it! This is the ONLY blog that I have ever read and all the sudden felt like my husband and I aren't alone. We chose to adopt a black male child for exact same reasons you did... and P's first mom only had two choices and the other pulled out when we found out P was a boy (the other family only wanted a girl). We had not even finished our paperwork when we were placed. It is sad that black male children available for adoption have far fewer families willing to parent them. Even internationally it is the same. We are currently in the process of adopting from ET and they have only 2 families waiting on the infant/toddler boy list, (I guess we will be three when our dossier is ready.)
Thank you for sharing and making it so I don't feel so alone out there.

And yes, I get tired of the assumptions too. In fact, my husband was just in getting his bloodwork and phyiscal for adoption #2 and our doc asked what was wrong with us. Wes gave him a strange look and he said, "you know why are you adopting." When wes said because it how we WANT to build our family, he just said, "oh."

our blog is

rlvd said...

wow- we're not alone! I "met" you on the bethany boards but I haven't been on since having our son (2 months now!) and found your blog thru someone else's and said "hey it's that andi!!!" :) And reading this post, my heart sang and my jaw fell open that I'm not the only one...who doesn't know if I'm infertile and have always felt led and desire to adopt child(ren) no matter what. I even share the 'if I can get pregnant, will I?' wonder. And people assume and people ask Qs and say things and think under those assumptions about infertility and how the birthparents are and what our (non they think)relationship is like. There's just too many people to correct and don't know if I need to anyways. What do you do? I probly didn't help things Sunday by playing a slideshow before our son's baptism giving time for prayer and support and education about all involved in adoption. It involved people I've met blogging who are waiting, included people trying to become pregnant, wishing they weren't pregnant, making decisions, placing... But since a lot of the people I've met waiting are infertile and I wanted to lift them up, I think I led people more to believe that infertility was our journey too. Was that bad? I guess it's not my fault if they think that. And maybe it doesn't matter if people think we are or think we adopted for a certain reason that isn't how it is. Who knows? Now I'm rambling- but so thankful to have come across your post. :) Blessings~

Tiffany said...

Thank you! Right on!!