Monday, February 15, 2010

Adoption is H.A.R.D. and other ramblings.

I follow a lot of adoption blogs and one of the families just was placed this past weekend with their precious baby boy.  Whenever I read a blog, or find out from a friend, or even hear about someone meeting their adopted child for the first time I still get goose bumps.  The good kind... and the not-so-good kind.

I remember the feelings so well of when we first met KJ and his mom.  I remember all the mixed emotions that came that first day and for many days after that.  So now when I see, read or hear about a placement a part of me wants to hug that family and tell them the best and worst are about to come.  You will love your child unconditionally and the good will always outweigh the bad.  But in adoption there will always be another family in the picture.  It won't just be you and your child.  You will always remember their first parents and, if you're like me, wonder about them and hurt for them often.

Not enough is said about the hard part of adoption.  And I don't mean the waiting and making a profile.  Heck, those are the easy parts!  I don't question that KJ is my son.  I never have.  I did, however, remember feeling like somebody made a mistake and this child should be with the mom who brought him in to the world, not me!  It's so hard to explain because it never negated my love for him, not even a bit.  It was just such a feeling of... well... helplessness.  I was not at all in control of all that was happening and one woman's painful situation became my life's greatest joy. Now take that and make sense of it...?

A lot of people will tell you about their adoption and say they wouldn't change a thing.  Well, that's not true of me.  I would change something.  I would change the fact that my son is forever separated from his biological family.  They may or may not ever know him.  And that is not by our choice.  Even children raised in a continuously open adoption I imagine will have their own measure of pain and questioning to deal with.  So although I know 'S' made the choice to give her son life and to give him to me, it still doesn't always make things easier.  Not always...

6 comments:

birthmothertalks said...

I like this post. I agree that many people especially adoptive parents don't talk about the hard stuff, but in a way it's not their pain to carry. I think I know what you mean though. It's hard on you to face that your child came to you at his and his birth parents loss. I am sure some adoptive parents even feel guilty about taking someone's child. I don't have any easy answers. One thing I like to tell all adoptive parents is that if (in most cases) birth parents have regret and/or lots of pain that's not about you. It has nothing to do with what kind of parent you are. It's more about how they are not the parent. I personally being that I know how birthparents feel don't think I could adopt someone's child. But also, I was never faced with the challenge of becoming pregnant.

Andi said...

I'll have to write a post at some point about why we adopt, bmt. I actually prob could get preg if we chose that... Maybe I am just masochistic?? (TOTALLY kidding!) Thanks for all your comments.

HMK said...

It's SO hard sometimes... and we don't know it really until we are finally an adoptive parent... and then you feel the weight of your child's loss on your shoulders. At times I ache for my girls and for their firstfamilies. Bereket and I were talking the other day and she said she missed Ethiopian eggs... I knew she was really trying to say something else so I asked her what else she missed in Ethiopia. She looked down and said, well I USED to miss my mommmy in Ethiopia. I told her, B honey, it's okay to miss her. I do, she said, I do miss her.. and I miss my big sister and big brother too.

Becca said...

It IS hard. Thanks for your vulnerability about that. I think our willingness to be honest and open about the difficult parts is healthy and supportive for other adoptive families. It is so hard for me when I think of my son's other family. I hurt for him and his loss, and I hurt for them. I hate that they are missing out on knowing him (in more than pictures and letters). He's so full of life!

Another thing is that is difficult for me is when there is a medical scare, and I have to fill out medical history. I HATE not knowing the answers to my own son's family history. It's such a helpless feeling. Gratefully, we haven't had anything that couldn't be figured out without a full history, but it IS hard to be his mommy and not have the answers to those questions.

Debbie B said...

BMT, I appreciate your comment.

Andi, this is a great post. Exactly what I've tried to express many times but as you said, it's hard to explain without people feeling like I don't love, adore and appreciate my daughter.

And now I know why all the other adoption waits get a bit easier because you're right. No matter how hard that 2.5 years were the post adoption stuff is hard in a different and lifelong way. I hope I remember that when we start again so I can enjoy the process a little more.

michelle said...

Great post Andi. Love your honesty.