Thursday, June 25, 2009

The birth father.

Open Adoption Blogs

Open Adoption Roundtable Take 2:
Write about the father(s) in your family's open adoption(s). Our experiences are too varied to narrow it down to one specific question to answer. But every adoption involves at least one father. Write about his presence or his absence, record a memory or write him a letter you'll never send. Tell us about the dads and the adoption-related choices they've made.

The long and the short of it is; there is nothing to write. First dad wanted no involvement in S's pregnancy from the very beginning. Truth is he up and left her when he found out she was expecting. Not exactly a stand-up guy that you want around your kid anyway, but still. It would be nice if he had any interest at all in knowing the wonderful little boy that he had a hand in creating. The best thing he has done (and I know this sounds cruel) was to sign the termination papers. He was living out-of-state and came back after the birth to sign. S called him and he at least came back to do that. At the time we were still staying in the state and he could've met us. Could've met KJ. But no. Didn't want that either.

I guess the hardest part for me, and for Kevin, is that someday we will have to explain to our son that this man wanted nothing to do with him. I still pray that he will come around. That he will change his mind. But as of right now? Nope. Nada. Nothing.

We don't even know his first name. We never asked S. I think we figured if she wanted to volunteer that information she would. Maybe it is cold or callous of me to have such a negative attitude toward this man I've never met. But how can I not? I have prayed for the ability to forgive him. I still, honestly, don't think that I have. I can't write him a letter here because I think it would start "Dear Big Fat Jerk". And that's not good. I want to offer him forgiveness. A forgiveness he'll probably never ask for but that as a Christian trying to live as Jesus would I need to offer all the same.

Maybe I am making assumptions. I don't really know why he chose not to be involved. I just know that actions often reflect the heart and his have not made a good impression.

The oddest part is that I have to be somewhat thankful for this man. I mean, without him there would be no KJ. And who could stand that thought?! Not I. I am blessed beyond measure to have this little boy in my life and to think that someone would not want the same thing is incomprehensible to me. So it's a hard thing, this birth father stuff. But in the end God created this man to father my child in the way of sperm donation and for that I cannot deny my gratitude.

Is that a happier note to end on? Because I think that's just about all the positivity I can muster on this post!

Be blessed today and be thankful for every little thing in your life. Good or bad.


Heather said...

Thank you for your honesty, Andi. I think a lot of adoptive parents have wrestled with similar emotions.

And, please, don't ever feel obligated to participate--it is completely voluntary!

TXMom2B said...

I hear you. I can't go into details, but, well, I understand. Thanks for being so honest!