Wednesday, May 27, 2009

No Winners in Adoption?

Sometimes it is so hard to be a part of this adoption "triad" (birth family, adoptive family, adoptee). You just don't know what you *can* say or what you *shouldn't* say. Who is going to be offended? Who is going to be hurt?

Let me enlighten you as to what got my thoughts going in this way today. I came across two articles/blog posts regarding adoption. Of course you must take all these things with a grain of salt. One person's opinion is not every person's opinion. This one is a blog post about coercion in adoption and how "all adoptions are not coerced." Well, no, they are not. But are some? Yes. Should we forget those that were in favor of the "good" adoptions? Is any adoption "good"?

Secondly, I was reading this opinion post about the wording used in adoption. She espouses that you shouldn't use the term "give up" but "make an adoption plan" instead. Sounds OK, right? Well, no... read the comments following. Apparently by using more polite terminology we are all trying to cover up the pain of a woman surrendering her child???

It's all too much for me! Oy!



Linda Cumby said...

Andi...I so agree with you here! There are no winners it seems with adoption. We got our daughter's birth certicate in the mail the other day and it does not seem right to have our names on it. I mean...we did not give birth to her. And Mother's can I celebrate when someone else is without their daughter! Adoption is tough and anyone that states something different has not walked in our shoes. Love, Linda (Bethany Board Sista)

Melba said...

Ugh, it's all too much for me too! So if we shouldn't tell our sons that their birth mothers "made an adoption plan" for them because they loved them because that "warps their sense of love for the rest of their lives," then WHAT should we tell them??

And as for PAL, our agency is the responsible party for teaching us HOW to talk about adoption. They have had myriad experience with MANY biological mothers from all walks of life. If they think it's the best way, then isn't it?

I'm with you...this is all very frustrating and overwhelming, and it leaves me with a big question as to what to tell Charlie and exactly how to do that.

The thing I don't like about anti-adoption points of view is that they never seem to offer an alternative. If we can't frame things positively for our children, and we refuse to hurt them by "telling it like it is," then what in the world are we, as adoptive parents, supposed to do?

I guess one answer is to surround ourselves, and our children with people who DO support adoption, and who DO think it has the potential to be a beautiful solution that actually is the right answer for all parties. WHO KNOWS...this makes my stomach hurt.


Andi-bo-bandi said...

I feel you, Melba. It is so hard to know what the *right* thing to do is.

And you are right. Anti-adoption advocates very rarely give a viable alternative other than "no adoption all together".

The *good* thing (I think anyway) is that Charlie and KJ will know from early on that they are adopted; as soon as they recognize that they don't *look* like us. It opens the door earlier to discussion and honesty from the start.